Wednesday, September 23, 2009

"I am not a bad mom, Please do not judge me"

So many times I feel like screaming this at the top of my lungs, the looks I get the comments that are made behind my back. It is one of the problems of having a child with SPD and or Aspergers, people, strangers look at your child and how he or she is acting in public and they go right to the assumption that you are a bad parent.

I see the looks on their faces, the looks in their eyes when they see my children acting differently from their children. When I have to bring Douglas something to eat to a party because he has oral sensory issues, when JM gets fixated on something and can not let it go and cries, or whines for thirty minutes because it is not something he can have. When we are at a public event and Kalie does not say a word the entire time we are there.

My children, like all other children, with SPD and Aspergers look normal, they walk, they talk, they listen and yes they do things that normal children do. But they do have issues, they do have things going on inside their bodies and minds that we do not understand. Things we may never understand. Do not judge me as a mom when you see me do something that you think is out of the ordinary, do not judge me when you see my children act in a way that you think is not normal. Do not tell me I am a bad mom, do not tell me my children are the way they are because of something I did.

We know more today than we did 30 years ago, children do not come into this world a blank slate so to speak for parents to mold and turn into functioning adults. They are born with personalities, yes we have an effect on it, yes things we do effect the people they become. But some of these precious children are also given to us with a mind and body that does not work like everyone elses, things happen and while yes they develop into great young people, and later adults because of the work we as parents do, this wonderful children and adults have so much to over come.

Instead of judging me, help me and not by giving me unwanted advice. Try and understand what a day in my life is like, try and understand the struggles we are going through and do not ever tell me there is nothing wrong with my child, that the only thing wrong is my parenting skills. Do not dare tell me that my children are like they are because of me and that if I were a better parent they would not be this way.

It hurts the most when it comes from family members. My children have been diagnosed by not one but three different doctors, and yet I have some who say there is nothing wrong and I am just making excuses.
To them I say thank you for your input but really keep it to your self.

God has blessed me with three wonderful children, three children that I love, adore and would not trade anything for. I wish things were easier for them, I wish things were different and they did not have these struggles. I wish strangers would not stare, I wish strangers would not make rude comments. I wish people would just open their eyes to these children and these parents. Instead of judging us, help us.


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. Sorry, I added some so deleted other one. LOL!

    One thing I can say to this post is this: I know your pain when those talk behind your back, I have seen it first hand as I family with Special needs and a friend of mine has two with SPD. My reply to you I hope will encourage you to ignore what has been said even tho it can and will upset you. Turn with a smile and walk on.There will be times to address and times to look the other way. An other thing you and others can do is educate and make everyone aware of SPD.

    There are some pretty rude people especially in todays world. I encourage you to find a way of comfort and security for you and your family and educate along the way. I have often thought about remarks said by others and ways to help educate or even get smarter with those bad mouthing by counter acting with educational humor. By this I mean find some way to humor with education to rude cruel remarks. Depending on the situation will determine your reply.. I can think of loads of ways to stop people in their tracks and turn the tables so that they are the ones feeling ignorant for their comment as well as feeling your pain.
    By educating those as often as you can I assure you it can be a huge slap in the face to those bad mouthing or unaware and less understanding. The more educated others get the more they will begin catching themself or others in the bad mouthing and turn from a negative way to a positive way.

    I also want to encourage you in one thing. There are children with the special needs all over. Each need an unconditional amount of love and support including dicipline. Many with Special are able to give all the above and others shy away from the dicipline using the disorder as an excuse to dicipline less. We all have to be dicipline at some point in order to grow and properly learn or experience in life. I am not saying you may be one, but keep in mind those who do do this also help make matters worse for parents like yourself. I have seen this and heard this often by those around me that I know personally with special needs. God love them all, they dont realize that they are hurting them by not showing the dicipline needed. All children are gifted and special in their own unique way. Some require more of everything then others do even in Special needs cases. Tho circumstances maybe different for some, ignoring or over looking because of a Special need disorder is no exception. These children will only love you more and learn to respect you as their parent as any parent trying to raise their children right in the nutty world we are in.

    Just love your babies, Shelter them and raise and dicipline how you feel is best and pray for direction on how you can educate others of the challenges you face on a daily basis.
    Most importantly do not let every little thing get under your skin.

    There are times when you honestly should be blunt in replying and there are times that you should lovingly turn your cheek. AS for your family maybe you could gather them all together for an evening of fellowship and share your feelings as to how they feel about you and your family and parenting. Then give them some education to all the challenges you face and disorders you are dealing with.

    The only way you will get the support you need is by educating others. Good luck friend and God bless you.

  3. Thank you so much for such a wonderful post. I hope that everyone takes the time to read it. You have opened my eyes to many things and I am sure it will open the eyes of others as well.

    For the most part I chose not to say anything, there have been times that I have responded to the rude comments, stares etc. But as you said I try to do so in a manner that will educate the offenders and not add to their fire.

    As far as discipline goes, all of my children are disciplined, we follow 1,2,3 parenting for Christian parenting. I try not to treat them any differently, JM is the one with aspergers, the other two have SPD they all three have the same rules and consequences for bad behavior. I do not tolerate them hitting, biting, scratching, etc, I also do not tolerate tantrums. If one of them seems to be having a moment they get to go to their room and think about things, calm down and think about what is going on.

    One of my biggest complaints would be the quirks, the things you really can not discipline them for, especially JM, he gets so fixated on things, and if he does not get that thing or if it does not go his way he will whine and carry on for the longest, because I said no to something that wad dangerous or not appropriate for him to have and then the nice on lookers at the store, or park look at me as if I am a horrible parent because I am not stopping the crying, or tantrum he is having. He can not self calm, so once he gets upset about something he could cry and carry on for a good thirty minutes, so if I tell him no, son you can not climb on the outside of the slide, it is not safe. He could get fixated on that event and carry on for the longest about it. This is when I here, she needs to be in better control of her child, he is such a bad kid, why does she not get him to stop. Its those times, those comments that hurt. How do they know what is going on, how do they know that I am not doing what is best for my child...

    okay vent over..
    Thank you so much.. I love this post and may have to put it to where all can see.

  4. Hi, I love the picture at the top of your blog! So cute! I am a mom of 3 (soon to be 4), and 2 of them have been diagnosed with SPD. They do occupational therapy and have made a lot of progress with that. Getting the diagnosis was the best thing that ever happened to us! Now they are getting the help they need AND I understand them more. I have been thru similar issues with a family member making horribly rude comments (right in front of my son) and it has taught me a lot. This is a link to my blog (although, I am new to blogging, so it is pretty simple)
    I tried to educate the family member that freaked out on me and my kid about what a horrible parent I am, she wouldn't hear me. It changed our relationship a lot. We will always be family and love each other, but we are not close, and we do not discuss our kids behavior or medical issues. I was crushed at first, but now I am very, very confident in defending my kids. I KNOW I discipline my kids the way that works for them, and I know when my kid is misbehaving, or just overstimulated and needs a distraction. It has actually been good for us to go thru her drama, and I am a better mom for it. I feel sorry for people that act like she did...what goes around usually comes around!
    By the way, adorable kids!!!
    Myra :)

  5. Hi again, by the way, JM sounds A LOT like my son...climbing on the outside of the slide, not able to self calm, FIXATING (oh my, hard to handle!!). Is JM diagnosed with SPD or Aspergers? My son is only diagnosed with SPD at this time. Thanks,

  6. JM was first diagnosed with SPD when he was 14 months old, I was able to see the difference as I had two the same age. It was an eye opening experience for all of us.

    This past summer we got a second doctor to confirm that he has aspergers as well as SPD. Many autistic children have spd as well.

    Thank you so much, and I will check out your blog as well..


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